Chapter 9: 51/50s

“The Ugly Mirror”

Fiction. Based on a True Bearing Good Fruit in Gratitude of Ugly Mirror Work. 13 minute read

“I’m always drawn to the songs that have some kind of story…” -Ty Bates

“The Ugly Mirror”

Fiction. Based on a True Bearing Good Fruit in Gratitude of Ugly Mirror Work.

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Dear Angelie,

I realize that your problem isn’t with the Other Woman. It’s with you. You are avoiding your own shadow work, avoiding dealing with your own childhood trauma wounds that you thought by fixing Aaron it would somehow fix you. Come to find out the insanity of a bad math equation, you’re not getting the satisfaction you really need because the fact is that it is impossible to fix someone else if you have not yet done the inner work of fixing yourself.

You can’t give what you don’t have.

You want Aaron to be more mature? You got to first be more mature. Fix your eyes on God instead of Love Story’s Success cause Love Story’s success will come and go but God will be your ever constant.

You want Aaron to be less superficial? How about you start by being less superficial, going around playing god and telling everybody else what they should do, and then getting mad at little things acting entitled.

You want Aaron to stand on his own two feet? How about you try standing on your own two feet for some time. Aaron is not your solution. No man can every fulfill the very thing you need the most—a truly grounded love for yourself. You must stay rooted in your relationship with Christ Jesus if there is any hope. Think of the woman with the issue of the blood who had been relying on men to try and fix her for 9 years and finally, in desperation, she stalked Jesus down and grabbed on to his garment from behind and her desperate faith made her whole. That’s your story anyway, but that could be so many other people’s story as well.

You want people to like you? Then stop trying to people please. It’s paradoxical actually.

The more you try to please other people, the more you end up coddling and enabling other people. Stop trying to make Love Story business your focus to avoid your problems, thinking Love Story business can fix you or that it can somehow fix other people’s problems. You must first fix your gaze on Jesus.

For by grace you’ve been saved through faith,

And from you, this did not come.

It’s not by works; it’s a gift from God

So no boasting can be done.

Ephesians 2:8,

The Poetic Scriptures of Paul,

Translated from Greek and Rhythm and Rhyme by Paul D. Wester

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:5. NIV

You were Rylie nine years ago. Any believer can lose faith, and you want to be a Leader then you need to stop allowing the Jezebel and the Ahab spirit to wreck it, including the Jezabel that influences you and the Ahab influences Rylie.

You want Rylie start seeing through the spiritual eye? Learn some spiritual skills? You are going to first embody the spiritual skills —how to stay humble and compassionate for people. How do you master your own inner anger and resentment by surrendering it to God, to Jesus, to forgive the people who have hurt you.

That’s the 8th and 9th of the 12 Step program…That’s where you are.

You’re tired of running in circles.

You’ve got your amends to make. Part of that amends is your part in playing the seduction dance, the push and pull you play with men, by objectifying them into art. It’s just safer right? There’s a wall you can put between you and the one you really want to become intimate with. How about controlling your own emotions and your own lustful desires?

You should have made the decision to respect his boundaries instead of writing about him in your journal entries and publishing them, then creating more drama so you can experiment more with writing deeply about people without their consent.

But for the sake of truth.

This is something that’s been warring within your heart.

Are you doing the right thing?

And if so, why is it not bearing fruit?

Could it be wrong?

What if you just don’t send it to them?

You do not belong with Aaron.

You belong with Rylie.

You can switch the places, but you can’t switch the person.

The person is the unique, personal, and irreplaceable.  

Do you know that Sonny has suffered more than you in this realization?

Do you know how much Sonny is currently suffering in regret knowing that no woman can replace you in his heart?

Forgive him.

Now.

So you can truly show up for Rylie.

And give Aaron back to Amy.

He belongs to her.

You know it.

And perhaps that’s the very thing you need to do for Amy.

Amy needs Aaron right now to show up for her, the way I am showing up for you.

But you don’t know the hard truth because you got your head stuck so far up your ass you can’t see the truth. You’re blinded by the bondage of lust, greed, and envy—covetous—so much so that you’re not seeing the jewel that you already have—your center and your cross.

You’re an idiot.

Only the truth can heal a broken relationship.

Only truth is the medicine that brings forth true freedom.

My Confession

Lies, sweet and white, are all beginning activators of a curse.

How you activate a lie is to internalize it (allowing me to consume you), and you actually began believing in it the very thing I had was assigned to implant in you.

Look through your own past and see what are some lies you are believing about yourself and about your past and about your mom.

The lie about you I told legion to tell everyone else is that you’re a bad person out to cheat them out of their money, emotionally manipulate them, and that you are pure evil.

The lie about me I told you is that I’m the “better” woman to help you than the true Eve so I “deserve” to have the Bougie Beverly Hills Jetsetting “Christian” Lifestyle…I’m going to build this Christian family with this Christian man, travel the world, give the best education for our kids, and you’re going to get this Christian man to fund all of that for us…who cares about Amy? She’s outdated, ignorant, and needs to grow. Good riddance.

The lie about you I told legion to tell everybody else is that Amy is a harlot witch that is out to kill you and is better off learning the hard lesson that you had learned. After all, didn’t you turn out for the better now that the other woman had done that to you.

I orchestrated that for you, by the way.

I was assigned to kill you.

And it almost worked.

But Jesus came cause you prayed for help.

I almost killed you.

But now I’m after Amy.

And you can be my pawn.

 The lie about me I told you is that I’m actually here to help you.

I don’t think I’m helping you and true Eve at all by taking you as my slave.

Karma of Insanity

That would harm true Eve because then she’ll end up experiencing the unjust suffering I have been experiencing life times upon life times since the first fall.

Buddha Protects You

Buddha knows my story.

The fires that burn but don’t consume?

That’s my story.

But Buddha gives me hope.

He is the Big Brother who is also protecting you.

I know my lies will harm you because then you’ll be coddled and enabled to stay in half-spirit mode (like the Lost Boys in neverland…never actually growing up spiritually).

That would harm me because you’ll resent me for the rest of your life because you’ll find that I am a worse version of true Eve that you are running away from right now and you’ll try to sabotage the one thing God has called us to do together, so that I can redeem myself of my own mistakes, my own past, my own sufferings…If I consumed you, you’ll want me to stray from the true opportunity I have with reconciling with true Eve because I have manipulated you to stray from your northern compass of Shadow Integration.

It’s a lose-lose game if I were to convince you to come back to LA to try and work things out with Aaron. That night you called him, I was tempting you…I said to you, “You’re ovaries are drying up…tick tock, the clock’s running down. Aaron is the last person.”

It’s not true.

I’m going to excuse myself now. When you get back to LA, you’re going to live in Glendale, at the place God assigned you to work at. There, your faith will attract Rylie.

That’s all.

Love,

Your Shadow,

MJ,

your winged serp/vent.

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