You look out into the blue…
blue on black Adriatic sea.
The Croatian Man stopped you as you were looking at the outfit displayed in front of the MaxMara building in Old Town Dubrovnik.
“Where are you from young lady?”
“I never been but I’ve been in the states.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to research about the Wild Woman,” you say.
“Wild woman?” He looked surprised. His iris were the colors of teal blue that glazes the seashore of the deep blue of the Adriatic ocean.
“You are a wild woman yourself aren’t you?”
“I’m a journalist.”
“Yes, you do look like you don’t need a man, but I tell you, there are some things that only a man can give you.”
You think of Aaron’s last gift to you.
“I am a refined man,” he tells you, “I’ve pleasured hundreds of women throughout my life. I’ve traveled around the world. I can give you a really good time.”
You look him in the eye.
“I like it gentle and firm. I like intimacy that can only be captured through complete and total compassion and trust. Something like this can only be cultivated by divine design.”
“What is this?”
“Teach me,” he tells you. “Teach me the secrets of tantra.”
“It’s not season,” you tell him.
“What do you mean?” he asks.
You don’t bother telling him that it is only through God’s will and God’s way to shape the individual soul that creates this kind of awakening. It’s both God and the gods battling for the soul of your heart chakra that tantra may be revealed…it is the kind of shadow integration that can only be achieved through the moment by moment decisions to bear your own cross or not over the expanse of one’s life story. It’s not something you can achieve by reading a book, though it will guide you…no…it is something that is to be embodied...and only when the soul is able to embody the knowledge and terraform it into wisdom, that is when the pearl inside the clam is able to achieve its translucent glow.
You smile at him.
“Thank you for the request, but I’ll pass. Good day, sir. ”
You see glimpses of Rylie’s spirit in the boy and in the girl you’ve been hoping to co-create with him. During the lightning storm, you and Roxy were both scared, but her shaking and whimpering calmed you down because you had to step up and show up for her. You had to calm yourself so that she would calm down as well. It’s okay baby girl. You hold her close and kiss her by the nape of her neck. The thunder booms and shakes the glass doors that offer a transparent view between you and the black abyss, occasionally lit up by lightning flashes. You had an image of a giant tsunami…the vast ocean swallowing you whole a month ago while at Dubrovnik. You think that this may be that moment, but you pray, “Thank you God for fighting my battles.” You imagine the angels, heaven and hell, warring for the seed you’ve planted inside your being, formulating the unique soul-skin you are designed to wear. Holy Spirit is training you in the art and craft of energy. The potential and the lightning hitting the black and blue waters, creating a plum glow. Hail starts falling. That is when you thought about the state of your alone ness with Roxy.
What if the tsunami comes like in Interstellar?
You slightly bow your head in appreciation and you go back to your room. As you close the door behind you, you start to feel a bit silly. Perhaps you have exaggerated the storm. Maybe this is God strengthening you.
Trust Jesus. Learn to walk with Jesus.
You are indeed the fool.
The American idiot.
You manage to hold the fear on the last third of the storm. This is progress. The younger version of yourself would have started losing faith when the lightning first started on the horizon, but in this moment, it was beautiful on the horizon, but when the lightning was directly over your head, that’s when you began doubting God’s will and God’s way for your life. By the time you were walking upstairs to your flat, the storm was already receding. And by the time you got back to your couch where you and Roxy were embracing each other moments earlier, the lightning had stopped.
The Gardner and the Sun
Yesterday, you went out to explore your neighborhood for the first time without the rental car, by foot. You took Roxy on this walk but knew that there were big dogs that may hurt Roxy, as from previous experiences…she was attacked by three dogs…one husky and two pitbull/lab mixes. Sure enough en route to the store, there were two dogs, unleashed and immediately you pick Roxy up, terrified of her being attacked in a foreign country without a car to rush her to the vet, which was in Budva, about a 45 minutes drive away. No way you would risk her getting bitten here. Luckily there was an old lady scolding the dogs to behave. She starts feeding the both of them with scraps of leftover dinner. With the two big dogs distracted, you fast walked past the two of them. Then, when you think you had some safe distance, you let her down, still on the leash in case you have to pull her in. As you kept walking, a big Lab/Pit mix (you can’t make this stuff up), starts to bark with that heaviness that only big dogs can make, and the hairs on your neck stand up. Luckily, he was behind a black fence. You start to shout back at him, again with Roxy in your arms, “No! You shout at the dog. I will kill you!” As you kept walking, you realize that the owner was somewhere tucked behind the fence, hidden behind two parked cars. She was out of it…perhaps in her own mind, and that’s when you realize that you had to defend Roxy no matter what, even if it mean killing another dog in the act of defending her. This was the self-defense class you were trained to self-realize. It is about doing what it takes in the life and death struggle. It’s a mentality. Without judging yourself in the kill or be killed scenario.
This is why Ben Shapiro says in his book, how to argue with the left, that one of the leading rules is that you never apologize for your truth, unless you actually realize that you are lying, but if you honestly believe it, don’t hold back, don’t dumb it down, don’t flower it, just deliver it. Go for the jugular.
Perhaps, that’s why Aaron is your anti-hero when he went straight for your neck to pull you in for the second kiss. He’s a killer. A psychopathic killer and so are you. You know that should you be with Aaron, he will kill your dreams with Love Story and you will also kill Amy in the heartbreak, or she will kill you and Aaron in scorn. It’s a zero-sum path. This is the path you must kill.
You now know you are capable of killing now. If it means killing to defend your life and the life of those you love from someone who is in the act of violating your sovereignty, then you are very capable of killing. And knowing that, sharpening that wisdom inside you, and being self-aware of the serpent energy-the kundalini-inside your dualistic heart, you can become more calm in the presence of a tense situation.
You begin to appreciate God’s Plan A for you and Aaron. It has always been with you and Rylie. It has always been with Aaron and Amy. Both you and Aaron just need a little bit of faith as Christians to actually embody the message in your personal lives. And you must avoid Aaron. You remember once asking a rhetorical question to Rylie:
“Do you know what the opposite of love is?”
“It’s the absence of love.”
You left Rylie.
You went to Oregon.
You wrote him the letter that you are leaving.
You told him you love him, yet you left, and you chose to leave, when he really wanted you to stay.
He was too afraid to say it because he was thinking of your purpose, plan, and progress in The Love Story. He was afraid of holding you back or being not good enough for you. He voided himself him. Remember Esquire telling you that when someone still cares, they will block you because it’s a sign that you are on their mind and they need to find some means of forgetting you. But when a person just suddenly ghosts…then…that’s true apathy.
The imprint of the orange sash and the baby in his arms…the last instagram picture…imprinted of you…you saw Van Gogh and you saw Ryle’s soul. This has been sowed in your heart all this time since the last second kiss that started breaking the spell of the life-lie you had created—that somehow a life partner could be easily replaced, that somehow you were the victim, that somehow he trapped you. You have been living a life-lie in your self-righteousness, and it didn’t help that you had a prestigious job at the time, teaching “high priority” people, because that made your head balloon up even more. No. God had to bring you down to zero so you can wake up from the spell that you were somehow “better than” and you carried that “better than” air around when you were with Rylie and Mysty. They both ended up blocking you in disgust, or perhaps in hatred.
“Aaron hates you,” Amy said.
“I hate you,” Rylie said.
And Mysty just didn’t say anything, because she knew that you hated her for letting you down when you needed her the most.
And perhaps that was the moment you knew that you had let Aaron and Rylie down by leaving just when things started to take root.
You like to pull out roots just when you plant it.
Where did this neurosis come from?
It came from the source…that day you cried and threatened that you would tell everybody of his affair and he told you, “nobody cares.”
And it stung hard.
Because he was right.
You could tell the entire world of how hurt the heartbreak is, but everybody is busy bearing their own cross.
You acted inappropriate at work. You started to tell everybody, just to test and see if somebody would care, and sure enough, nobody cares, but everybody did start avoiding you, because you became the victim, and victims are hurt people who want to hurt people.
And perhaps you wanted to hurt every person who wanted to care about you ever since.
Starting with Green Eyes.
Then Drum and Bass.
And all the dozens of men in between.
You had all the men but no man.
You were living in no man’s land.
Because you were avoiding the resolution.
And now that you’re on this private beach with all its beauty, you realize that there is nobody you can really share it with other than Roxy. That’s half the family. The other half is Rylie and his orange cat, and the orange sash he wears.
You know from the orange cat that approached you and Roxy while walking on the shores of Zaton that it is Rylie that you see through Mary’s eyes.
You see Rylie through Mary’s eyes.
You see Aaron through Martha’s eyes.
One eye is the spiritual eye of love.
The other eye is the spiritual eye of law.
So which one is right?
You could be right, but you’ll miss the point of it all….why?
If you have the gift of prophecy, if you have faith that could move mountains, if you starve to give everything to the poor, but you do not have love you have nothing.
So do you love Rylie?
So why are you not showing up in his life?
You head to a restaurant, passing by two markets, all of which are closed down, and you go straight to the waiter. “Do you sell food here?” Surprised by the question, he says yes. You sit down and look at the menu. You see the T-Bone steak for 5 Euros…per 100gl. You have no idea what that means, but all you saw was the 5 Euros that stood out. The food comes. The steak is huge, the potatos rich, the zucchini sautéed perfectly and you think…all this for 5 Euros? When the bill came it was 35 Euros. You failed to do the math. The waiter told you it would be 7x the metric that was listed on the menu. You realize you have to get precise on the timing, the order, and it is your responsibility to work the numbers and understand what is written because sooner or later the bill will come. You pay and asked the waiter to put the rest in a box for you to take back. He bows his head and you pay with the military credit card.
You think yourself a monarch butterfly agent of God now. The universal God who gives you the green light for that 40 Euro steak (with tip). It’s as if to say, “You are worthy to be fed. You have an important task to accomplish in this journey.” You think of Paul the Apostle’s letter to the Romans:
14 Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. 2 One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3 The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. 4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
5 One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. 6 Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. 9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
10 You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister[a]? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. 11 It is written:
“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will acknowledge God.’”[b]
12 So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.
13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.
You realize that if you were in front of Giselle, your friend who is a vegan, you would not have ordered the steak, but you know that you are O blood with an inclination towards depression, and the all meat diet that Jordan Peterson is taking is somehow working for, and as an O blooded person manic depressive person, you know that the cow has already been killed…to not waste and honor that precious cow’s life by consuming its energy, including it’s suffering is to know suffering and to bear the burden of suffering.
Good. Allow the suffering to help you transform it into anti-suffering…perhaps then you can articulate what it’s like to stand on the edge of a tsunami wave ready to swallow you…
You, young one, who seeks the knowledge and wisdom of the sacred cow and the love and grace of the sacred lamb.
What the Sky Said While the Son is Smiling
You get back and it is 5:30pm. The sun is just translucent enough for you to get enraptured by its position, filtered through the clouds, paved behind the blue sky, you can look directly at it without going blind. The waters look like thousands of diamonds glistening in a dance performance designed just for you, as if God is saying, “Daughter, you are precious.”
You listen to the song, “Said the Sky–All I Got,” while staring at the view. You imagine secretly wishing that Rylie would be singing this song to you somewhere in the future while you have moved on with Aaron, but it suddenly occurs to you that perhaps this is also the life-lie…what if it’s still not too late between you and Rylie? You realize that there is only one Rylie for you in the second chance for a family, like there is only one Sonny that you ever dreamed of building a family with…the life lie you told your heart is that they both would be easily replaceable when the truth is that they are not.
Rylie is your second chance…at love, at life, at a real family…a life partner.
The life-lie that the men you love are easily replaceable is beginning to crumble.
“I took too long,
if I only knew right from wrong,
she’d be right back in my arms…”
It suddenly hits you…
This song is your heart singing for the void…in the absence of Sonny… He’s just the love of your life. It’s only love. Oh, it’s nothing.
Except it’s not true.
No matter how many times you’ve pretended it was.
The truth hits you hard and you began weeping and trembling in angst.
I’m sorry for not fighting for you, not fighting for our children when we had the chance, not fighting for us.
“… and I keep hoping you’d call back, can we forget about the past?
Cause baby all I really want is you…”
Then another truth hits you hard:
It’s all been a soul cry for Sonny to come back home…
The Love Story…all those nights you sat behind a computer, all those different places you’ve traveled to and posted, all those letters…angry, bitter, profound, hopeful and inspiring letters, all the men been through…all those things you were doing these past 9 years were just futile attempts to make Sonny’s ghost jealous in the futile hope that he would come back home to his first wife. But you sold the home the first chance you got. Even if he had changed his mind, you had sold it. The deep grief in the void that was created from the life-lie you created, “You’re trapping me,” is finally beginning to reveal itself.
I’m sorry I couldn’t find my true worth and my true words in time to show up for us at the time you needed me to show up for us the most.
You were always my rock.
But I had forgotten that I was always your water.
You now recognize this view…it is the color of you and Sonny’s true love making.
The life lie is that you love Aaron and that you don’t love Rylie.
The life lie is pretending that Rylie is not worth the fight, not worth the wait, not worth humbling yourself down enough to actually show up in hope, in faith, in love.
The diamonds glistening on this cascade of water, touched by the luminescence of the sun, shining to say to you, “this is the Portrait of True Love… the portrait of two young artists…”
God is your witness.
You think of Scarlett silhouetted on the hill in Gone with the Wind.
As God is my witness, she says…
As God is my witness, you say…I will fight for Rylie. I’m coming back to Los Angeles for him. He’s worth the grounding, the fight, the hope, the humiliation, the courage, the lawsuit, the giving into your heart’s truest desires.
It was there, you realize the depth of the truth of what is.
Truth is always self-evident.
It is buried deep within the treasures of the psyche, in the deep deep waters of the soul.
Perhaps those glistening diamonds are the tears the world has cried in cohesion…the tears of the collective soul.
It was there, you got on your knees, and in your heart of hearts you whisper to Sonny…
“I’m sorry I took too long to understand you…
But now I do.”
You felt the presence of love in the absence of love’s eye.
You cry for the void.
All of heaven is crying for the void.
And you finally understand the sorrow of heaven when you understood your own sorrow for Sonny. His son is shining down on you in this moment, smiling as if to say, your faith has made you whole.
Somewhere, in another realm, you know that both you and Sonny will have an opportunity to review each other’s life timelines. And you two will celebrate in joy and in appreciation for having loved, lost, and lived on.
It is also your heart who guides you in knowing that it is indeed Rylie who you have truly imprinted on…the orange sash covering his nephew, behind the Forest…like Angeles Forest when the two of you had your first date…the place Rylie picked, so perfectly.
The Portrait of the Young Artist is Rylie and it is you. There is no other person who can replace for Rylie. Aaron can’t replace Rylie. Just like you can’t replace Amy. Just like Sonny could not replace you.
You love Rylie because you love Rylie.
Sonny loves you because Sonny loves you.
Aaron loves Amy because Aaron loves Amy.
You love Aaron the way Martha loves Lazarus.
You love Rylie the way Mary loves Jesus.
Aaron is your darkly mirror so you can see the ugly parts of yourself that need to transform by how he is showing up for you.
Loving someone new is like inviting a hard rock into your most vulnerable space…it is awkward and uncomfortable… “How can hard rock and soft mollusk ever mix?” the hard shelled clam thought to herself. But sure enough Rylie’s rock has found a home inside the soft parts of your heart…it had bothered you at first so you pretended that it was not there, but the rock is still there…no matter how much you want to remove it…day and night you wanted to pretend that it wasn’t there, but it was still there…and it haunted you, taunted you, nagged you…to the point of wanting to give up…you found yourself at a place of utter despair and hopelessness…and you got angry at the rock so you started fighting it, shouting at it, your whole being raged, heated, and you screamed, shouted, cursed at this rock….but then something started shifting…the heat started melting the rock just a bit…and that was your first breakthrough….heat and movement and the rock became smoother and now that you realize it isn’t hurting you so badly…now that you’ve accepted this rock as part of your home…you realize that maybe this rock was meant to come inside…the rough edges have now being smoothed over…until one day you realize that this rock is becoming translucent like the sun’s shattered lightwaves on water.
Today, you wept, like the way Jesus wept with Mary and Martha over the void Lazarus left in their collective hearts, for even though Jesus had the for knowledge that the rock will become a pearl, and this pearl will be presented as a gift to bring new meaning to all future rocks, Jesus wept in the beauty of knowing the flow, and you wept for both the joy of the pearl and the grief of the void it brought to the clam who understood the process of transforming rocks into pearls. It is the beautiful story of death into life, the love story of redemption.
The — non
The joy is in the void canceled by the non
Jesus wept for the non who is with the void now.
The trajectory of void thanks to the non is now in the trajectory of resurrection from zero to one.
And the resurrection playbook is in the non
God plays a non-zero-sum game.
Knowing how the love story closes is the revelation that Jesus experienced when he wept with Martha and Mary….
When Original Eve knew the ending, Original Adam only knew the beginning of God’s Love Story…
When Lazarus was already dead, the son of Adam and Eve—Jesus—wept, Jesus wept knowing the beauty of Jesus’ death in the resurrection of Lazarus as you now weep knowing the beauty of God’s death in the resurrection of Lucifer, and knowing that Original Eve faithfully affirmed Satan, “You will not surely die,” while the daughters of her progeny, Mary and Martha, wept for both the spiritual and functional loss of their brother…
The way you now weep for the loss of Sonny is the way Jesus wept for Lazarus, knowing that there one day there will be reunification.
Sonny who represents the man who serves you in spirit and in function, like Lazarus who represents his spirt to Mary and his service to Martha, inspires you to break down, break apart, and now breaking open in true love, tapping into esoteric truths of the right hand path of God’s True Love.
You wept for the deep love and the deep function Sonny has served you in the seven years of your life and now you weep for the deep suffering and the deep service the next nine years it took for you to realize the truth of what God revealed to you in 2013 about 1 Corinthians 13.
A person who knows her Y, can bear any how.
Now you now know Sonny’s why.
He loves you so much, he had to let you go, so you can understand the truth of his love for you.
You had to understand the absence of love so you can appreciate the presence of love.
And knowing a deeper truth, in faith, that one day, you will be reunited with his spirit and he will replay the moment you got down on your knees and wept for the loss of his presence and he will smile upon your broken open heart…the spiritual and carnal truths of what is, the deep sacrifice that Sonny had to make in order that you may truly experience what it means to live.
And now you know now why you got so angry at Aaron…you couldn’t admit how sorry you are for failing this lust test, that the trajectory is off because you should have been inside Rylie’s home on the last day before you left for Berlin, not Aaron’s home. You had planned on showing up in front of Rylie’s door on the last day before your flight to tell him that you truly love him, and the flight was a way of leaving just in case he rejected you or threatened to put you behind bars for stalking him.
Since the day you had bought tickets for Berlin you had thought of making a dramatic appearance in front of Rylie’s home in a true break your heart open, but you got distracted by the convenience and the outward appearances of the ideal life you wanted with Rylie with another person. You got the function down, but function without faith is dead…it is empty and meaningless without the spirit of Mary’s true love for Lazarus as Lazarus.
It’s always easier to act in false pride than it is in true humility.
True humility is thinking of the other more than thinking of yourself, true selfless love that is demonstrated by the faith of original Eve and the truth in your heart of hearts is that Rylie truly started falling for you.
Now, upon the steps of the stones you were kneeling on, the opaque translucent sun smiles upon you because your soul is waking up to the way of transforming your rock into pearls.
That is every Hero’s way in Act II in the journey….the way of love defined…
It is the molding of rock into pearl through the softness of the hard shelled clam.
That is the way of shadow integration.
The way of producing anti-venom in the venom.
The way of producing anti-virus in the virus.
The way of producing anti-hate in the hate.
The way of producing anti-fragile in the fragile.
You remember Sonny taking you to the diamond store…he told you that he wanted you to choose the diamond you wanted….
You went around searching for hours until you came upon one that had an anomaly….the clerk tells you that this diamond has a pocket…or if you could see it another way…a teardrop.
You told Sonny you wanted the diamond with the tear.
Your heart now sings in tears for the one tear you had let go.
The ghost in the shell.
The boy in the hard shell.
The girl in the hard shell.
You cry sorrowfully for the void in the clam and for the joy of the pearl as present.
In that moment, you saw the garment that Holy Spirit has prepared for you.
The Son and the Moon.
The water and the earth.
“Cause baby all I really want is you…and I took too long”
You meditate on your name…”Ming.”
The sun and the moon in illumination.
You step out on the balcony and see the moon half smiling and you think of the yin/yang sign. That evening, the moon was half lit, like the Cheshire Cat’s smile.
“Where are you going, little girl?” the moon smiles.
I’m going to show up for Rylie.
And there, the moon gave off an aura of cobalt blue, the divine feminine color, the color of your shaping soul, the color of Rylie’s iris, the color of your true voice.
It’s going to take boldness.
Bold, between black and white…
The black frown and the white smile.
It’s all GoOd.