“He reminds me of Sonny,” you gush to your friend Amy.
“Why would you want that again?” your best friend asked.
B has been ignoring your texts. For all you know, he could have been with another woman while you were with him, making you the other woman.
Perhaps you chase him because you wanted him to grow some balls the way you wanted Sonny to grow some balls, to work up the courage to tell you the truth:
I am settling for the women who placates me rather than challenges me.
Besides, you are vengeful, and I am scared that you will ruin my reputation by exposing the truth rather than having the self-control to keep silent.
They smell your investigative journalist spirit.
You already know the truth, but it doesn’t matter that you know. You wanted both of them to spiritually grow, know and confess to you. You wanted their awakening. You are the catalyst.
But one drowns in Grey Goose and Tonic to drown out the voice that says, “Tell her the truth. Honor Her. Step Up,” and puts his eye on money so he can avoid the responsibility of growing the courage to face the women whom he loves and has let down.
And the other drowns in Chardonnay and expensive reds to drown out the voice that says, “This woman challenges me, has me questioning my belief system, and will push me to walk my higher walk,” and puts his eye on power so he can avoid the responsibility of becoming humble to commit to one woman who will push him towards the greatest version of himself. He doesn’t want the one who calls out the truth when she sees it. Instead, he’s now setting for the women who will provide sweet adjectives to tickle his ear, exercise the serpent energy to wrap her tentacles around his assets, and be his arm candy. In exchange, she will wear away his soul through slow and steady sweet talk, lulling him to stay asleep in the cosmic ascension of higher person. He chooses a woman to keep settling and stagnating his growth in this version of reality.
Green Eyes had almost married you, but you had broken it off Christmas eve.
He knew you had trauma drama, losing the man you had loved to a Japanese woman, so out of revenge, he ended up hooking up with and having kids with a Japanese woman. Within weeks of your rejecting him.
Green eyes wasn’t there when you wound up in the hospital.
When you were by his side both times. No, it was Lisa, Diana, and your Mom who showed up.
It was not Green Eyes, it was not Sonny, and it was not your dad.
Perhaps in that moment, all three were cuddled up with women who could validate them. Perhaps these women knew how to keep a man. They used manipulation, deceit, and sweet lies while the woman who had your father’s baby showed up at the hospital after your first suicide attempt.
Men who were too addicted to power, attracted women who had the strong Jezabel to enable their hunger for more power, neglecting the women who had held their ground and who had been there at their lowest.
“Hey,” he called me out of the blue.
“This is a plastic relationship. All she cares about is superficial shit. It’s about image, reputation, and stuff with her.”
He longs for your depth.
But he has already betrayed you.
You would never take him back.
He knows that.
Sonny knew that too.
He knew that he had pushed you to a point of no return.
That you had wanted was the truth of who he was.
Who did you actually married? Instead of the image he wanted you to think he is. Even though you were still drinking, the illusion of who he actually is was already wearing away. The alcohol just gave you liquid courage to call it out.
You became a truth seeker since that day Sonny left without giving you the truth.
You wanted him to keep his word, to honor the relationship by ending it on good terms.
To this day, he never owned up to any of it. He’s still floating around in De Nile river, lost among the sea of illusion, that his life is better now, instead of facing the truth that he had been unfaithful, he had lied, manipulated, cheated, and now he is reaping the benefits of what he has sowed.
Intuitively, you already know that Sonny is dealing with the same type of woman that Green Eyes is dealing with.
A woman who focuses on stuff, image, and reputation.
Perhaps that is why you stopped giving a fuck about your stuff, your image, your reputation.
You stopped caring what other people thought. The labels they put on you behind your back while saying sweet words and making broken promises or declarations in front of you doesn’t fucking matter.
And now, when a woman confides in you and tells you that she is sleeping with a married man, your purpose is to have her consider the wife, the children, and the overall ripple effect of her actions. You will say this firmly and control the fire that is raging inside you that just wants to slap her upside the head, to shake the daemonic spirit of chaos, evil, and insidious manipulation that possess her body for her to do such a horrid act.
All in all, you avoid women who are willing to sleep with married.
There is something completely perverted, sick inside that a woman is willing to perpetuate the slow destruction of a love vow.
I’ve met two women who confessed to you. One, a Japanese woman, whom you immediately avoided after she had told you that and another an Italian woman. It’s narcissistic to the extreme. Not only were these men married, but they also had kids. They think their actions won’t harm.
Oh but it does. The “mistresses” who fucked with your dad fucked, also fucked with your understanding of men and women as being completely selfish, dishonest, and manipulative. Of course, you realize that this isn’t everybody, but for the ones who perpetuate with a willful blind eye, just pretend that it does not affect the children when it does. I am one of those children.
After my mother had finally told me when you were in college what had been happening to her and this continued on since you were in middle school. You no longer trusted any businessmen, and perhaps that also had caused you to push Sonny away. You didn’t want his kids, because something had told you that the endgame would have been the same. You looked at your mother and saw the future destiny of you.
You wanted to travel, achieve accolades and pursue your path exploring, instead of staying at home with the kids, having intuitive panic attacks that he was with another woman.
And this was the same intuition you had with B. From Day two.
That’s why perhaps, God gave you grace when he stopped responding. It was a shut door that you had prayed to God would happen. Your higher self praying for those doors to close.
It is not for you. God has better plans for the both of you.
He operates at a non zero sum game.
For the Hero’s Workshop
Journaling, Journalism, and the Personal Journey