Chapter 9: 51/50s


Fiction. Based on a True Convo with a Muslim Scholar 45 minute read


Fiction. Based on a true convo with a Muslim Scholar.

Life is a Box of Chocolates

The prayers rain like hooks to songs five times a day. Today it is the third day of Ramadan and Sanjin, your tour guide, named after the energy of the sun, takes you on a journey. First to Kravica Falls, per your request at Mr. Star ⭐️ ‘s Travel. Sanjin’s name reminds you of the spirit of the mountain and the number three in Chinese and Japanese.

Roxy survived the night. She had consumed a box of dark chocolates that you had planned on donating to one of the beggars. You cancel the editor’s meeting, “Sorry girls, I’m taking Roxy to the ER.” When you first found out that she ate the box of chocolates when you came back home, you were angry at her for doing it but you remind yourself of how unfair you had once treated her when she used to make all sorts of mistakes—peeing on carpets, eating everything inside the trash cans, and even chewing up your used tampons. You used to get so mad and you’d yell, bring her over to the scene of the crime, and give her a spanking, which made her poop on the carpet…more. In the end, Roxy doesn’t remember any of what she’s done, but she is left with the terrible expression on your face, and years of reactive trauma, and now she doesn’t allow you to pet her at night.

Tonight, you embrace her close and start crying. “I don’t want to lose you,” you say to her. You panic. You’re in Bosnia-Herzegovina. You don’t know how to find a vet clinic, let alone a vet clinic that can be open at 9:00pm. You think that perhaps this is the end for Roxy. This is how she is going to die. You put that thought away. You recall when she ate the entire bar of weed chocolate you had tucked in your purse while she was waiting for you in the car whilst you were filming something. This woman is a survivor. She survived three dog attacks, your punishments when she was a puppy, and a weed chocolate bar.

What’s done is done. What did you do the last time she had ate chocolate? You think back. You were hosting a women’s only media group and you had cancelled on them to take Roxy immediately to the ER where they had induced her vomiting, they had the IV inside her to flush out the toxins, and you had a professional watch over her all night.  

This time, you followed protocol. You drop all appointments and focus just on her survival. You look up Taxis at 9:00pm. No luck. You found a 24 hour emergency hospital at Mostar University and it is a 50 minute walk away. Fuck sitting around waiting for a cab. You put her in the black carrier, a sherpa that proved well worth its investment when traveling with her, and carry her with you—a dog in a duffle bag. You pass the mosque, the museum, the night bars and 10 minutes in, you see a fancy hotel. You walk in acting as if you are a rich American tourist. You approach the front desk and ask the bell lady to order you a cab. You ask if they accept card. No. Cash only. She points to the ATM a few feet away.By the time you have the cash pulled out, the cab driver arrives. He doesn’t speak English so you show him the gps on your phone.

You arrive but no one is at the counter and a man walking out tells you this is a hospital for humans and gives you a number for a vet but you insist on speaking with a doctor. He asks you what the problem is and you show him the torn up box of dark chocolates two-thirds emptied. He tells you that this is not a problem since this is Croatia and in Croatia, people feed their dogs all kinds of sweets. You are irritated, because his trying to appease you in a situation that calls for urgency rather than complacency is not helping. He is a hindrance. You are upset so the man says he will go to his car to give you a second number. You wait. Two doctors in white coats come out and you interrupt their conversation between their smoke break and the older doctor kindly oblige to listen but he says they do not have the proper equipment to treat Roxy. The man with the second number returns but you ignore him as the doctor is explaining these things to you. Another onlooker overhears the convo and tells you he will get a cab for you to the nearest vet. The man with the number is gone. You feel a bit bad that you are the center of attention and have neglected the first man who offered to help, but right now your focus is on getting the chocolate out of her body. Five minute later a cab arrives and the second guy who called the cap now chats in Croatian to the cabbie for a location he knows. You are off. Five minutes in, you have this thought that perhaps they are running a sex trafficking ring, despite this cab having the “taxi” label both wrapped on the car, and on top of the hood.

You finally arrive at a closed building that says Vet. You are relieved that he is not a human trafficker. He calls the number to the building but nobody answers. You then tell him about this 24 hour vet place you found on Google that is 60 kilometers away, or an hour and a half away. He doesn’t understand you so he gives you the phone to his colleague who acts as translator.

“It’s 100 Euros,” she tells you.

You have no choice. Roxy’s life is on the line. Roxy is priceless. You say go.

You Facetime your mom to wire $500 to your checking. She looks over at Roxy through your video phone. Roxy is smiling, panting, and wagging her tail. “She looks fine,” your mom observes. Just like the other guy telling you it’s okay, but you know better. She’s your baby. You know better. You googled that it takes about 2 hours to 24 hours for the toxic effects of dark chocolate to kick in. You have been praying to Jesus from the time you found out till now.

Jesus, please help me get through this. You think of the journal entry of the mom whose daughter was bleeding out from her butt. You think of the panic and now you are experiencing that…but in slow motion.   

When you get there, it is midnight. The emergency vet doctor sticks three thick and long needles into her side butt. She screams in agony. The Taxi driver walks out because he couldn’t bear the screaming of Roxy. But you realize that you have to stand it. Her life is on the line. You are her guardian. You hold her down, firm and tight, so any thrashing is minimized. You want to prevent any disaster from happening such as the needle snapping if she suddenly moves. So you clamp down. After the three shots, he tells you to give her active charcoal throughout the day, mixed with water, to take the toxins out. You thank him and it’s 25 Euros.

On the way back, you feel your entire nervous system on edge. It’s two in the morning. You’re exhausted from all the panic energy that completely sucked you dry of any feelings left. Your eyes get heavy. Just when you begin feeling sorry and appreciative for the Taxi driver, Roxy begins to throw up chocolate. Thank God. You give her your light bubble jacket that your mother gave you to catch all the vomit.

Then she throws up in her carrier. By the time you arrive at your Airbnb home, both you and the driver realize that Roxy has left hair all over his back seat and throw up at the foot of the mat. He shakes his head and you feel ashamed. You apologize in English and double the tip. When you get home, there is throw up on her ropes, her harness, the clothes and the carrier. You are overwhelmed. You’re supposed to take your one tour for your time here at Mostar that very morning and you don’t know if both you and Roxy have the strength for that.

You say, “God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

You pause for a few deep breaths.

A few moments later, a sense of peace comes over you and you begin to clean what needs to be cleaned. You rinse her feet, the carrier, her harness and leash, and finally your own face. You start packing your two luggages and by the time you are done, you feel a bit proud.

The room is clean.

You have that.

And Roxy purged the dark chocolate.

She will be with you another night.

Next morning, the effects of the dark cocoa kicks in and she is shaking uncontrollably and looking miserable. It is 9:30am and your breakfast is not there. It is also raining. For a second, you think that the host is mad at you, since Roxy has been peeing and pooping in their front yard the past few days, but then the grandmother of the house notifies you that breakfast is served. You notice Roxy shaking more. Your spirit is heavy but you remind yourself to praise Jesus for delivering her from something that could have been fatal. Whatever amount of the cocoa remains, she will pass through it. Multiple people have reassured her survival including the vet who administered the detox for her.

The Next Morning

You wake up to James 6:1-13 on your Bible app. It is Francis Chan preaching about what is considered sin in God’s eyes. Do not treat people differently according to what clothes they wear and how rich they are. To play favorites based on class, money, or anything otherwise is sin. God has chosen the poor to rule. For a minute you think that perhaps the poor on this earth are actually angels in disguise, testing all of us who are still asleep.

You pick up the bag of donated clothes you have prepared, minus the box of chocolates, En route to the tour shop, you pass by three mothers with their babies. You give the first bag to the lady with the child in her bosom. Then when you stop in front of the grocery store to get water to mix the charcoal in, two more mothers approach you. You give one 7 marks and the other the rest of the change in your pocket. This happens while you are preparing the medicine for Roxy, realizing that Roxy gets better service than all their children combined because of the privilege you were born into thanks to your father’s hard work, intellect, and discipline. You don’t hesitate giving the three mothers money this time because the idea of losing Roxy terrifies you so now you understand what a mother will do to ensure her child’s survival.

This time, you give without complaint. You give without hesitation. This time, you contain the judgement you have about them while you give. When Roxy is sick and you panic at the possibility of losing her, you now have the capacity for compassion for the mothers who beg people to feed her baby.

Kravica Falls

While enroute to Kravica Falls, Sanjin tells you that he was six when they were in the thick of the Bosnian war. His dad was a defender and it was a Muslim persecution, yet he does not call it that. You are a bit ashamed that Americans have placed so much emphasis on the existential crisis of Christianity when there are other religions that are being and have been persecuted. It was the Serbs who created the myth of, “going back to the golden age of one united Serbian nation” that facilitated the persecutions, and in that moment, you finally understand why Blue America are fearful of Trump’s rhetoric of nationalism, of MAGA, or Making America Great Again. You totally did not see it that way, but given the context of the Bosnian War, you now understand where the fear is coming from.

“Let’s say I was a Catholic and they captured me. Would they still put me in the concentration camp?” you ask Sanjin.

“Yes,” he says, “it was not so much about religion as it was about nationalism.”

Yet you also remember Vicktor Frankl’s fair assessment on the nuances of life. No one situation is the same. The nuances matter. The Devil and God are both in the details. The details matter.

It’s never a good thing to generalize anything. You remember the Catholic Serbian woman with the family tell you last Sunday, “It’s complicated.”

Sanjin grew up traditional Muslim and in his teen years he strayed away from it, but in college a Pakistani professor at Mostar University he studied under inspired him to read all the texts from all religions.

“And so I did,” he tells you.

You feel a tinge of respect, admiration, then sadness.

Why is he working as a tour guide?

He’s underselling himself.

“Do you know what the first thing God told Muhammad to do?”

“No,” you say.


You smile.

Sanjin continues. “Muhammad the prophet was commanded by God to educate himself in all things, all subjects, all that God has designed.”

“Doesn’t Allah mean ‘All Things’?” you ask him.

“Yes, all God.”

By the time you reach Kravice falls, Roxy is feeling a lot better. She begins to hike with you and sees the beautiful waterfall alongside you. Her spirit is up and her tail is wagging.

The blue is turquoise and Sanjin tells you it is this color because of the rich Cobalt minerals in the sea. You did not bring your swimming suit and nobody is swimming there though you imagine in a parallel world, you are swimming there will your life partner, Rylie, alone together, naked and in love.

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The colors of the water come from the mineral cobalt. ⭐️🌚😮

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He tells you that his professor stayed in Mostar after falling in love with a Sarjevo woman at a cafe that is named, “To be or not to be,” and the professor thought it was such a synchronistic moment. Sanjin tells you that there are no coincidences in life, only synchronicities and you agree. In fact, this is the basis of your Love Story Playbook program—how to pay attention to resonances in the second person journaling perspective.

He asks you what you do, and today you are open. You tell him that you are researching how to defeat evil with love…but in order to do that, you must first understand the nature of evil….not on an idealistic or theoretical  level, but on a practical level, and that is why you are here…to understand the nature of genocide…to get in the minds of the perpetrators so you know the nature of evil.

You tell him that there are Shadows but they are not inherently evil, because shadows exist by virtue of the Law of Divine Will.  Seen from this perspective, the nature of a Shadow is the potential of the complete separation from God and also the full realization that Love is always a choice.

Sanjin had earlier made an analogy of the knife that cuts bread or the knife that cuts the heart out of humans to describe what the war was like for him. You extend that metaphor as a way to demonstrate what the fruit of judgement actually is. “It is the ability to know the shadow, but as a potential, rather than as a tool to justify the ends. But when you use the shadow for your own end, that is when evil is created. Evil is when you manipulate the Shadow to serve your self-centered end. It is when we enact the potential of the shadow that we transform neutral into evil—the knife that cuts out the human heart.

Sanjin offers to take a picture of you and Roxy.

It was not until you got home that you realize the smile on Roxy’s face is the smile of a miracle.

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The Rainbow Dove

As you keep walking, Sanjin tells you of a few other book and movie recommendations.  You tell him of your aspiration to one day travel the world with a family—a man who loves traveling is your life partner and you two adopt kids and have a couple on your own, build a robust business, and take your kids on an global educational journey.

“Have you heard of Captain Fantastic?

“No, what’s it about?

“Man, it’s such an inspirational movie. It’s about a family that lives off grid.”

You add that to the list, along with Sarajevo’s Marlboro, Sarajevo Blues, and now Captain Fantastic.  

You later Google the movie and watch the trailer.

The wife and mother dies, but not before traveling with the family and falling in love with her life partner (not in that order), and the father/husband looks like Rylie.

The three of you come across an area where the waters are still. You watched the colors change from teal blue to green yellow.

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Then as you both continue along the way, you look up and there is a cloud that is rainbow colored.

“Have you ever seen a rainbow cloud?”

Sanjin looks up.

“This is the first time.”


The two of you stare for a minute and then you say, “It looks like a dove.”

“Yes, it does.”


You smile.

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Integrating the Shadow

You know from Carl Jung that the key is to integrate the shadow. That’s why you’re on this journey….you’re here to solve the how.

For starters, you know that you’re alchemized shadows are coming from dismissing your own good, manipulation by way of passive aggressiveness, and distrust in God that manifests in trying to control everything. Now that you are quite familiar with the negative, you have the golden opportunity to de-alchemize the Shadow through the work of leveraging Divine Mary to express this Shadow through creative expression. This is the way of producing the anti-venom through Jesus’ help in the Holy Spirit.

“I believe shadows can’t be suppressed or killed off. I believe the only way to maintain control over the shadow is to contain it through creative expression by first having a connection through faith in God to direct our will and our ways,” you tell him.

“I agree, I used to be a teacher and I could see these young kids needing creative arts program. They are always comparing each other. It’s the social media and all the branding.”

He asks you how Los Angeles is and you give him one word: “Lonely.”


“Yes, it’s a busy city, but it’s also a lonely city.”

“People fake it until they make it, and most people don’t make ‘it’ as in what they see in commercials, movies, and music videos. What they think is making ‘it’ is branded, packaged, and commercialized. Even then those who others think have “made it” have not actually made it, because their aims are off the mark.”

Sanjin finds your insight being in LA for 30 years fascinating. It’s not something he is used to hearing from tourists.

“It’s much better when the community is more intimate. Here you see a few beggars. In our city, especially in Downtown Los Angeles, we have something called Skid Row, which are tent cities. The level of apathy is…beyond comprehension.”

“Yes, here in our village, we do have a community who cares. They do talk to the people who are in need.”

“The girls are super pretty in Los Angeles, but they also are pretending most of the time. The name of the game is to act cool, or to act like you don’t care about anything too much. It’s kind of a farce. That’s what I mean that our collective aims are off in Los Angeles,” you say. He is quiet and you feel obliged to elaborate. “They are nice, but they are fake nice. It’s not authentic. It’s all surface and once in awhile you’ll get depth, but it’s the exception not the rule. And that’s why I had to leave. ”


“On God’s Time”

He waits for you at the cafe while you climb to the very top of the fort…you were at the very top. The very top.

The stairs become narrow, hallow, and cold wind carries a gust of haunted warnings. You maintain faith and remind yourself that God is creating provisions for you to meet Him at fixed points…fixed points God has mapped out for you, like connecting the dots, one of your all time favorite things to do when you were in pre-school.

You loved connecting the dots.

You still do.

You are inside the Sultan Sulejmanova džamija (Careva džamija) mosque and notice a dent in the shape of a palace that looked like cupcake holders. The dent is a reminder of the void that God left when he traded places with Jesus.

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Third day of Ramadan. #peace in the heart ♥️

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There is a green flag with the cheshire smile of the moon and the star.

You think of the shape of the shadow in the eye you’ve noticed when illustrating your theory of projection in The Producer’s Playbook that you are writing.

Perhaps the silver lining that shapes the moon’s cheshire smile represents the hidden wisdom of the Shadow. Perhaps the star represents the Integrated Shadow, which is the current purpose of Jesus on Heaven’s throne, patiently waiting for the day when Jesus will come back to deliver the final death blow to death itself.

Allah Means All.

All for one and one for all. And perhaps, this is the divine design of Muhammad the prophet, the one after God’s heart, the one who acknowledges Jesus as the Christ savior, and knows that the Love Story is just beginning when Christ resurrected back to heaven again, by remembering the secret of what God is doing for this miracle of Christ’ resurrection to have happened.

Perhaps the ⅓ of the entire moon and the star represents the ⅓ of the angels who chose to fall and who will be resurrected first, for it is written:

16 So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.

Matthew 20:16 King James Version (KJV)

You believe that this is what Muhammad the Prophet came to awaken the world with—awaken the Shadow so that the Shadow becomes aware of itself and this awakening is the dance within the heart—the dance between the Shadow and the Silver lining.

You observe a picture of the tree starting with Adam and Eve. You notice it branches in clusters to the right, where Jesus and Moses are and far off to the left side of the tree….there, Muhammad’s branch is far left and the illustration was carved on a wooden plank. The side where Muhammad’s branch stays covered by a darkened wood, casting a shadow like presence that reminds you of Muhammad as the “black sheep” of the family..

Getting to the Bottom of things at the Top

What God told you when you Got to the Top…

When you arrived, you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your fourth psychosis was a message from the Shadow world.

God is assuming the void. It started on Zero day, when God traded His position in Heaven for Jesus’ position in hell. This means that God’s position in Heaven is now at Jesus’ position in hell, so now whosoever believes (John 3:16) will be covered in Jesus’ righteousness, all sponsored by God.

Where does that leave God?

It leaves God at Zero.

The only way God is able to integrate with Adam’s Shadow is if He became the Shadow, the way Eve became the fall designed to integrate with Lucifer’s fall, formulating the anti-fall.

God is assuming the zero at Adam’s zero, formulating the anti-zero.

This is how you destroy death itself.

While Eve initially embodied the curse, God embodied the non, but later it was Jesus who took on the embodiment of the curse to insulate Fallen Even with Jesus’ truepride and Adam’s true humility.

The Second Opinion

You told Sanjin the second interpretation of fallen Adam. You told him that Adam chose to fall with Eve so that she would not have to suffer alone. He was never tricked. Sanjin resonated with this truth. You told Sanjin that Eve is actually God’s secret weapon to defeating the snake the way the ancient phoenix opposes the ancient dragon through her power of faith in God’s goodness in love and in everlasting life. You told him that the snake’s lie was transformed by her faith from false into true, “You will not surely die.”

You asked Sanjin why there are pictures of people posted on the walls around the city. You were suspicious that they were criminals. You think of some jihad to “get them.” He tells you that there are obituaries, to honor those who have passed. You feel relieved and ashamed for making these assumptions based on stereotypes.

You asked Sanjin why fast during Ramadan. He tells you it is to appreciate the things you have by remembering the suffering of not having.

You believe that Ramadan is in honor of God who became the ultimate sufferer by becoming the void, or the absence, and this is the greatest treasure that Prophet Muhammad discovered in his search for God.

Prophet Muhammad understood peace when he experienced chaos in this carnal life. He understood how to become the peace in the center of chaos. It is in the eye of the storm where you can become aware. God is the sitting Buddha in constant state of meditation and you believe that all Muslims are now sharing the burden of suffering with God, to hold up the remembering of what God did for us all when the Jews and Christians may have forgotten what God had to do for Christ to rise.

“Satan is the ultimate enemy,” Sanjin said.

“And he is our ultimate mission,” you elaborate, “I mean, why are we here anyway if not for a mission?”

You know the devil’s time to reign is short. Time for the devil is the chain, the prison apart from God. The devil is in a dissociative state, bound by time. And Thank God for that, for who would like to live apart from God, the ever present source of love, Joy, and pure goodness for too long?

“Christianity in one word is grace. If you could summarize being a Muslim in one word, what would it be?”

Sanjin thought for a minute and then said, “Peace.”

Immediately, you know this is the truth.

You had hypothesis but your intuition is confirmed.

It was Muhammad who understood the heart of God’s unconditional compassion for all.

“Peace in the heart,” Sanjin elaborated.

You realize that this kind of peace is unwavering trust in God. You think of the rocky boat that Jesus was sleeping in while Peter and the disciples panicked, hoping the Son of God would wake up to help when Jesus was hoping to strengthen their faith that God’s Son is in the same vehicle throughout the entire ride.

And perhaps Muhammad was a true sinner, violating every law in the Torah, and even then he may prove the compassion of God that shines on the black sheep prophet, the one who cries with demons and listens to their stories in awe and wonderment, but still anchored to the Truth of who God is. And perhaps the Cheshire smile of the moon that symbolizes half of the Islam ☪️ means the Shadow. After Jesus took the throne, God embodied the void and became the Shadow. And perhaps the star that shines with the silver lining of the full moon represents hope, that God is now in the heart of darkness meeting the lost souls at the void.

And perhaps that’s why Muslims fast for 30 days during the daytime, between Sunrise to Sunset, during Ramadan, in honor of God’s ultimate sacrifice for all when he left the son for the moon.

Black Hole Sun

Allah means All but you suspect it could also mean “For All.”

God’s Sacrifice for All.

And the fasting is the shared suffering, to remind us what God sacrificed so that Jesus can take God’s throne as all believers in God can take Jesus’ righteous position in heaven whilst God traded His position in Heaven for Jesus’ sacrifice for our positions in hell.

God is with Satan now, perhaps meditating under a Bodhi Tree with Buddha and Fallen Eve in patience for Moses, Jesus and Muhammad to mobilize the Angels and Human Beings to integrate the shadows collectively and reverse the first curse in heaven and resurrect God, our Father.

“I believe time is the chain that binds the snake. God is giving the serpent temporary domain to play God while God becomes the servant to illustrate a very important truth about God’s truest power.”

“7 Churches are the 7 chakra points.”

Green represents the heart chakra you point out.

Red represents the root chakra, which is dualistic, red for fear and red for source.

“The flag recently turned red,” he said to you.

He tells you that he will go to Mecca for umrah, which is like the hajj but all year round “so you don’t have pay 5,000 Euros during hajj which lands in August,” he tells you.  

Perhaps a woman who has her head covered is a reminder to the men what their real mission here is to do. Protect the women. Protect the head. Men who skip the embodiment for the symbol are lost in the sea of forgetfulness like the rest of the post-modern man.

Everything has a shadow. Every religion, every tool, every heart in this realm has a shadow because we are the kingdom in between heaven and hell…Heaven is all light with a splash of darkness and hell is all dark with a splash of light. That light is God and that dark dot in heaven is Lucifer’s original desire—”I want God’s Goodness,” and that is why you bought the sunstone that absorbed the all colors. You realize God’s heart is now black because God needed to fully understand the heart of his sun, Lucifer.

That is why the moonstone is translucent.

That is why the sunstone is black.  

You head to the top fort tower at the height of Pojirec citadel: you notice the red poppy flowers in bloom swaying alongside the lavender flowers. You instinctively think of Chakras…from the root to the crown, all together. Perhaps Islam is heart chakra, Christianity is the crown chakra, and Hinduism is the root chakra, Buddhism is the solar Chakra, Judaism is the throat chakra… and onwards….you realize your journey is just beginning.

You go up the narrow stairs. You pack away your camera and phone so 100 % of your focus can be on climbing up the ancient spirals to the very top of the fort. Once you are up, God gives you a new piece of the puzzle.

I am the Shadow now child and I am also Love.

Fear not, I will always be with you.

As long there is a Shadow, I Am there.

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